How the relationship system works

 

Dear friends, we are constantly in a relationship.

Moreover, our relationship is a wide variety of social connections. These are friends, family, partners, colleagues, and...there are different options. In general, when we communicate with someone, it is already a relationship. Well, the degree of closeness and importance, of course, will be very different, but it's still human contact. Of course, the importance of these relationships for us here is very, very differentiated. And some relationships for us are filled with great personal meaning, and some are not so much. And, probably, we want our contacts with other people to bring us, if not constant intense joy, then at least satisfaction? Especially if these are those that are filled with great personal meaning for us? But let's, friends, try to figure out how we can contribute to our Did we like the relationship? Especially those that are important to us. Does it depend on us? Well, of course it depends! How? But there is a very handy tool that can be used for a better understanding. Any of our relationships can be considered as a system. And the system is, relatively speaking, a closed loop that consists of different elements. So you can see how these elements interact with each other and what laws they obey. I'm here, dear friends, of course, I'm not going to go into all the subtleties of systems theory. But just suggest using its general provisions. For a better understanding of how we build our relationships. To make these very relationships more pleasing to us. There is even, by the way, such a direction in psychotherapy - systemic family psychotherapy. It is very interesting and effective, by the way. And if any problems arise, then it is considered how to improve the family climate based on the behavior of all family members. There, the family is viewed as a whole, with all its members. Such is the family system, which consists of many elements included in it. Where each "element" behaves in some way. And other "elements" react to it somehow. And they behave somehow, too. Well, for example, a schoolboy son is behaving badly. And when they start to understand from the point of view of the system, it turns out that. Mom and dad fight all the time and are about to get divorced. That is, the system is about to collapse. And when the son gets into some kind of trouble again, mom and dad sit down together in the kitchen and start discussing what to do. That is, in fact, the son unites his parents by his behavior! Unconsciously, of course, but nevertheless! Well, to put it very simply, there are two laws in the system - the law of development and the law of homeostasis. They act simultaneously! That is, the system, on the one hand, strives to develop, and on the other - so that nothing changes. Here's how to do it? To have both? In order for the system to develop and at the same time be stable and stable? This means that we need to look at some problem that has arisen from a higher level - the systemic one. From the perspective of an observer, as if "from a bird's-eye view". And understand that if this particular system is valuable to you, then you need to change your behavior so as not to destroy it. But it's delicate to change. So that it can change (develop) and at the same time be preserved. And for this, the "usual" attacks (allegedly in order to improve the situation) on each other are not suitable. That is, it is necessary to understand from the system level how the problem can be solved in a different way. Because, figuratively speaking, shouting does not solve the problem. And it is solved by understanding where the failure is, and how this failure can be affected. It's not destructive when everything is in disarray, but precisely where it is being addressed precisely. Well, for example, in that situation with the son's bad behavior, maybe parents need to find some other common things that unite them, besides the son's bad behavior? If you really want your son to behave normally. So that his son's bad behavior, as a bond between their family, would lose its function! And it became unnecessary.

Of course, it's not that simple at all. I've simplified this to the maximum for clarity.

How by changing the behavior of one element of the system (in this example, the parents), you can influence the behavior of another element of the system (in this example, the son). Of course, in each specific case, it is necessary to look at how all the elements are interconnected. And what role each element of the system plays in the structure of the system. And how it is possible to achieve both the preservation of the system and (at the same time) its development in the direction of growth. In general, dear friends, a systematic approach to relationships can greatly help to build them so that all participants are satisfied. That is, you need to clearly understand what task each element of the system solves for its sustainability. And if for some reason you don't like how it turns out, then find other ways to solve the same problems! Well, it's more effective, of course, to do it with the help of a psychologist. Then you can see something that you didn't pay attention to before. And, accordingly, become more satisfied with your relationship! In general, the road will be mastered by the one walking!