Delayed life Syndrome: what it is and how to start living right now

 

We figure out how to act when there is a feeling that you are not living, but only preparing for a life that will begin "as soon as..."

"I'll buy new clothes when I lose weight," "I'll take care of myself when the kids go to school," "When we pay off the mortgage, then we'll go on vacation.".. Is it familiar?

What is delayed life syndrome?

Delayed life syndrome is a set of life scenarios when a person believes that he is not living a real life yet, but is only preparing for it, creating conditions for it. He sees his current life only as a sketch, a draft of something more meaningful. And real life will begin "later", after a landmark event for him: after a divorce, when he loses weight, when he earns a lot of money, after moving, when he pays off the loan, when he gets married, and so on. The term "delayed life syndrome" was coined in Russia in the late 90s by Professor Vladimir Serkin, Doctor of Psychology. He studied the psychological mechanisms that cause the migration of residents of the northeastern regions of Russia to the central regions of the country, in particular, the syndrome of "delayed life" among northerners - people who have been living with the idea of moving for years and are confident that their real life will begin sometime later, when they can move to regions with a more favorable climate., infrastructure and living conditions. The scientist called it the "northern scenario." Of course, this phenomenon is not unique to Russians, but also widespread in the world. Back in the 19th century, the famous British writer Rudyard Kipling mentioned the "colonial scenarios" that he observed among the British, who had lived in India for many years and were convinced that their "real" life would begin only when they returned to their homeland — this is a typical example of the delayed life syndrome. Owning a house in a picturesque English province, walking with a dog around the neighborhood, rural idyll — this is what the "colonial dream" looked like, by analogy with the "northern dream" of the inhabitants of Russia. Studies similar to those conducted by Vladimir Serkin in Magadan were conducted among students of Anchorage, the largest northern city in Alaska. It turned out that young people from both cities had a very different assessment of their real place of residence and their idea of what they wanted. Scientists explained this by the fact that Russian and American students lived in cities with similar climatic conditions, the history of regional development, and the motives for moving (temporary earnings) coincided. These two studies have led to an important conclusion: the formation of deferred life scenarios does not depend much on the socio-economic situation. Who is susceptible to delayed life syndrome

Both men and women are equally susceptible to delayed life syndrome. The most common scenarios include "mortgage", when many important purchases and events are postponed until the moment of release from loan obligations, and this is usually from 10 to 25 years of the most productive life. The second popular scheme is the "parental scenario," when a mother or father postpones their plans before the child goes to kindergarten, then to school, then graduates from college, and so on. Senior managers, company executives, and business owners have delayed life syndrome, which is manifested by "director's disease," the essence of which is that a person postpones important life events and actions — vacations, relationships with a partner, buying a house, getting married, or having a child — until a certain point: until the first million, until the expansion of the company, before signing a major contract and so on.

Signs of delayed life syndrome

A person constantly lives in anticipation of an event or in anticipation of the right time: weekends, vacations, New Year's holidays, the end of the semester, the completion of a project, when he turns 21 or 30, when his mother gets better or his daughter goes to college, when the children grow up, when the mortgage is paid, and so on. In order to start acting, there is always something missing: to lose a couple of extra pounds, change your wardrobe, quit your job, earn so much money, move to another apartment or country, get married or divorced, get another education. Hoarding things, money until better times or "for a rainy day" is also a sign of delayed life syndrome. Things are lying around, but there is still no suitable reason. Let's recall grandmother's or mother's sets, crystal, cuts and bed linen, carpets and even household appliances — everything that was stored until a special occasion, but was never used in a lifetime. The present is not encouraging. If you manage to achieve something, this achievement is immediately devalued.: "I lost 2 kg, but I could have lost 5"; "They raised my salary, but is that money?", "I got a raise — well, this is only an intermediate stage, that's when I become a director..." People with delayed life syndrome often compare themselves to others not in their favor. There will always be someone who lives more worthily, who is smarter, better, who has more money, smarter children. Or, for example, a person cannot afford something because "children are starving in Africa, but are we going to eat caviar here?", "there is a crisis in the country, and you decided to do repairs!". Such characters are characterized by constant doubt about the correctness of their choice: partner, job, hobbies, their life path. Causes of delayed life syndrome

Although the delayed life syndrome is more pronounced among residents of remote regions, geoclimatic conditions themselves do not affect its formation: if a person does not like the place in which he lives, then he can leave. What's stopping it? There are two groups of reasons: family attitudes and socio-cultural factors. Let's take a closer look at them. Family settings

Man is a social being, and relationships with others are vital to us, especially with our family. This is where the delayed life syndrome most often begins. Erich Fromm wrote that a person is free to choose his own life path. But at the same time, in order to feel safe, we all need the support of our family and the society in which we live. And we strive to unite, to be connected with other people and communities. However, connectedness brings with it not only support and security, but also certain limitations that we agree to, consciously or unconsciously. Fromm dubbed it an "escape from freedom." The desire to keep in touch with others and with family was described by Ann Anselin Schutzenberger. A French psychologist called this "invisible loyalty to the family," which consists in following the unspoken instructions of the ancestors to live this way and not otherwise, in passing on family attitudes "by inheritance." Based on extensive clinical experience, Schutzenberger has shown how "invisible loyalty to the family" forces many to live the life left to them by their ancestors. Eric Bern also speaks about the importance of family education in shaping life scenarios. What a child hears from his parents and other loved ones is primary and emotionally significant to him. Under the influence of the family, children form ideas from an early age about what it means to live "right." A small child is not able to critically comprehend these attitudes, to question them, to compare the way of life of his family with how others live. As a person grows up, these first ideas about the structure of the world and how to live, learned on a conscious and unconscious level, become a template for his life scenario.

Who among us in childhood did not hear phrases like: "When you graduate from school, college, you start earning money yourself, and do what you want", "If you get married, then you will set your own rules"? Parents constantly tell their child that he will be able to live as he pleases and receive pleasant emotions sometime later, when a significant event occurs, or they emphasize that the right to live for pleasure must be "earned".: to try, fight and endure in order to "become human." There is also a certain benefit in such attitudes: they teach discipline, determination, and help you become a good professional. The only catch is that no one points out exactly where the limit of these efforts is, when you can already relax and just enjoy your successes. Therefore, people with delayed life syndrome either receive education after education, thinking that they do not yet know enough to start working, or they climb the career ladder all their lives, believing that they have not yet reached the required income level or position. Or such a belief: "they marry smart and beautiful people" — at the same time, no one has outlined clear criteria for intelligence and beauty. And the girl does not go on dates, does not get acquainted with potential partners, considering herself unworthy, but delves into studies, various activities — at the same time, she is never satisfied with her appearance and achievements. Socio-cultural factors

The deferred life scenario develops not only under the influence of family attitudes and not only among migrants seeking to earn money, for the dream of a "real" life. Its background and roots lie much deeper and are determined by the socio-cultural context. So, some religious and ideological teachings preach the idea that we need to endure and sacrifice something today for the sake of a beautiful tomorrow: earthly life is full of suffering, but then we will go to heaven; now we are experiencing hardships, but a bright future awaits us. Periods of protracted military operations, occupation and colonization, serfdom — all this forced people to survive with the hope that someday it would end and another, happy and free life would begin. These periods were so long, sometimes involving the lives of several generations, that when circumstances changed, the habit of waiting, enduring, and enduring remained "inherited." The foundations of life, which were formed under the influence of circumstances and became habitual, led to the fact that the skill of independently managing one's time was partially lost or poorly developed. Our parents have been structuring our lives for us since childhood, then kindergarten, where there is a schedule and an established regime; school and university, also with their own rules and regime. Further, if a person goes to work for hire, there is also a schedule, according to which the regime of the day and week is set up, as well as the amount of work, the number of days off and vacations are determined.

A person gets used to the fact that his schedule, activities, goals and objectives, when to work or when to rest, are determined by other people or external circumstances. And then the message "when you do, then ..." forms an internal contradiction: it would seem that everything depends only on me, but the rules of the game are set by others. There is a strong conviction: in order to do something, you need to get external approval or permission from a parent, boss, spouse, or society. And the meanings and goals instilled by society and family, which were valuable at that time and in the conditions under which they arose, in the current situation, which may radically differ from the circumstances of the past, make us doubt the correctness of our desires and choices and return to the beaten path. So, people who decide to work as freelancers often face the problem of organizing their living space. Work begins to take up all their time, contrary to expectations that they will now work less and pay more attention to themselves and their hobbies. Lack of planning skills and allocation of time, effort and resources can lead to frustration, loss of self-confidence and makes you think about returning to a paid job. The pros and cons of delayed life syndrome

Vladimir Serkin notes that living in a "deferred" scenario has certain benefits.: - When our lives are limited by a certain plan, we have a stable vision of the future; - we don't have to make decisions on our own.; - The script structures our lives.; - having a goal prescribed by the script mobilizes and gives motivation.; - our behavior becomes understandable to others (and as we said earlier, it is important for a person to be "at home" in society).

However, the development of delayed life syndrome leads to the fact that a person - He does not trust his own feelings and is critical of his true desires, being obsessed with some kind of super-valuable idea imposed from the outside.; - He is poorly able to manage his time and plan his life on his own, set goals for himself, and share responsibility.

As a result, he develops self-doubt and fear of the future. People with delayed life syndrome turn to a psychologist most often with a request on how to become confident, how to stop procrastinating, with doubts about making certain decisions, complaining that life is passing and nothing is changing, with loss of interest in something ("I have everything, but nothing makes me happy.") Since the solution of many problems, including their own health, well-being and safety, is constantly postponed, depression, emotional and physical burnout, panic attacks, and anxiety disorders can also be the reasons for appeals.

When the delayed life syndrome turns into neurosis

If we take as an example the "northern scenario" that Vladimir Serkin researched, then people went North to earn money, return home and build a better life. By itself, the "northern scenario" did not lead to any psychological disorders if a person decided to stay in the conditions of the North or saved up money and moved to wherever he wanted, realized his dream. The so-called "delayed life neurosis" developed when a person did not realize his plans for years, postponed the solution of pressing issues until a certain event occurred. At some point, he discovered that a lot of time had been lost, that he was already powerless to fulfill his dream, or his dream had ceased to be relevant. The burden of accumulated problems leads to mental and physical health disorders; a person loses confidence in his ability to make decisions, cope with difficulties and manage his own life. The obsession with a super-valuable idea, a goal, becomes the main thing in the scenario of a delayed life. These ideas and goals, as described above, are transmitted in the form of unshakeable parental attitudes, which a person has indisputably followed for many years. Having a dream, an idea, a goal is not pathological in itself. It motivates us, helps us to act, to be active. But the goals of a person with delayed life syndrome are often divorced from the reality in which he lives. Such a person is completely absorbed in the process of achieving a goal, with the idealized expectation that when it is achieved, all his problems will be solved by themselves. But if you ask to describe how, in his opinion, the solution of current problems is related to the achieved goal, the person usually becomes confused or discovers that there is no connection. To the question: "What will that real life look like, what will it be filled with?" — people also find it difficult to answer, describing their state "as if I looked into the void." We all face a lot of problems all the time. In a healthy version, a person strives to solve them, and in the case of the neurosis of delayed life, he ignores the solution to pressing problems, trying to explain why this is impossible or unnecessary, and so on. And when the mass and severity of unresolved issues reach a critical point, a neurotic breakdown can occur. So, for example, if a person is tired, he goes to rest. For a person with delayed life syndrome, rest must be "earned" ("I've done my job — walk boldly!"; "I'll rest when I redo everything"). But things usually tend not to end, and after a while a person finds himself exhausted, with undermined health, desperate to ever relax, take care of himself, take time for his hobbies. To relieve tension, people begin to resort, for example, to alcohol, drugs, large amounts of sugary and high-calorie foods, and smoking. Delayed life syndrome can lead to an eating disorder, to any form of addiction, since the basis of any addictive behavior is avoidance of problem solving. The behavior of a healthy person can be described by the triad "I want — I can — I do". The mechanism of the neurosis of delayed life looks like this: "I want — I can — but I don't allow myself (until a certain time)." Accumulated unresolved problems lead to neurotic disorders, manifested in the form of asthenia, obsessive states, and a temporary decrease in mental and physical performance. All this significantly worsens the quality of our lives. Psychotherapy for delayed life syndrome

To begin with, it is important for a person to realize that there are unmet needs, problems that cannot be solved in any way, and that, in his opinion, certain conditions are needed to solve them. Next, it is important to "get on the phone with reality" — to understand how the solution of his problems is connected with the onset of these conditions and whether it is connected at all. That is, it is necessary to compare his idea of "real life" and how he lives in reality, which will really help him solve problems. The goals and values learned since childhood do not allow us to start solving pressing issues. In order to act, a person with delayed life syndrome needs to get "approval." Therefore, in the process of psychotherapy, it is important to restore the context of the past. Remembering the details of the life of parents and the person himself in childhood, you can separate the circumstances of that time and the present and see how parental scenarios are really suitable for solving current problems in the conditions of the opportunities that exist here and now. There is a parable. One woman cut off the sides of a ham every time she baked it. Her husband asks her, "Why are you doing this?" She answers: "That's what Mom did." We visited my mother and asked her about it. Mom said: "That's what Grandma used to do." We were visiting my grandmother, we asked her about the ham: "Why trim the sides?" To which my grandmother replied: "So my stove is narrow, it doesn't fit completely!" By learning the history of ancestral myths and messages, a person can remove the shackles of the prohibition to act and begin to do as the situation requires, based on their desires and capabilities. The good news: As a rule, people with delayed life syndrome have opportunities to solve problems, the main thing is to start using them. If we recall the mechanics of the "I want — I can — I don't do it all the time" neurosis of delayed life, then the task of psychotherapy here is usually not to create motivation for action or acquire the necessary knowledge and skills, but to "launch" an action that is already quite accessible and possible. For example: I want to buy a house. What can I do for this right now? Think about which and where, look for options, see prices, compare opportunities. If the first step (available action) is not visible, then there is no impulse to act and a gap grows between me and the dream (goal). How to get rid of the delayed life syndrome

People are often advised: the main thing is to start doing it. Not doing it? So you don't need it; apparently, you didn't really want to. But for a person with delayed life syndrome, switching and starting to do something is not a matter of motivation or lack of skills. It's a matter of internal disorientation, delusion, and inhibitions.

The first step

You need to admit that you are not on the path to solving problems (now I will lose weight and meet the guy of my dreams; I will earn a million and it will be possible not to work; I will save for a comfortable old age and save for it all my life), but you avoid meeting them, ignore them. The second step

Make a list of unresolved issues and unrealized plans. The third step

Set a goal for yourself. Start with one, not very difficult one. Decide on the possibilities, write down a detailed plan for its implementation. And start doing it. The road begins with the first step. Small actions that will give you energy can help you get the momentum going.: - Use things that you have been saving up for a special occasion: find a reason to "walk" that dress that you have never worn, start using perfumes that have been gathering dust on the shelf for a long time.

- If there are things that you keep until the moment "I'll put them on when I lose weight," then it's better to part with them, buy things to fit yourself and look beautiful now, and not sometime later.

- It's a good practice to sort things out every year. If no one has used the item for a year, then you can dispose of it or transfer it to someone who needs it more.

- If you're tired, don't wait for your vacation. Think about what you can do every day to get some relief or rest. For example, schedule yourself an hour of walking in the park or lying in silence for half an hour after work.

- The difficulty of moving is often that people don't know where to start — the idea seems overwhelming.

- If you dream of moving to another city or country, just start being interested in it and collecting information, as other people have done: what is necessary for this besides knowing the language, how you can earn money there, where to live, and so on.

- Visualizing the execution process helps you learn how to structure your time, energy, and opportunities.

- Write a plan, mark the points made, and record the amount of time, effort, and other resources spent.

- Firstly, the "pluses" in front of the completed items will give you confidence and inspire you to move on. Secondly, over time, you will begin to feel your pace, better understand the possibilities, and plan your time more accurately.

If you experience difficulties along the way — and in my experience, it's not so easy for people with delayed life syndrome to do something - seek help from a psychologist. He will help you figure out the reasons, determine your goals, and support you in the process. The main thing is not to delay.